


Do I wanna know?

by Apollynos



Category: Captive Prince - C. S. Pacat
Genre: Aimeric (Captive Prince) Lives, Aimeric POV, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Changing POVs, Fluff, Hanahaki Disease, Help, Hurt/Comfort, Jord POV, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Ocean, Past Abuse, Post-Canon, Psychological Trauma, Self-Harm, Silence, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-23
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2020-12-31 18:02:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21149909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Apollynos/pseuds/Apollynos
Summary: >>Do I wanna know?<<He asked him.He sounded unsure. But he asked him.Aimeric looked at him insecure, he studied Jord's expression on his face and bit his lower lip. Jord know what happend. Jord heard it from Laurent.>>I don't know.<<





	1. Heart against Head

_And sometimes we can still fight so much, can still often not want to have true that we have broken something, which apparently simply can no longer be repaired; with no plaster in the world, with nothing first scars can be undone…_

  * _Unknown_

“I cant’t. I don’t want to go through all of this again”, Aimeric murmured to him as he sat on the bed of the room into which he had been brought and looked against the wall. His eyes were reddened and his cheeks wet with tears, his breath was heavy and unsteady, his body trembled helplessly.

Laurent’s words resounded in his head over and over again and Jord’s face appeared before his inner eye.

His hurt, despising look. He was angry. He was disappointed.

Aimeric knew that and hell… It was Jord’s god damn right to feel this way.

But those gray eyes. Those honest loyal eyes that always looked at him lovingly and shyly as if Aimeric was something special, they were filled with those ugly emotions towards him and Aimeric couldn’t even blame Jord for this, because it was still his right to feel so.

Aimeric fought back the tears that had blossomed again in his eyes.

He can’t cry again. He has no strength to keep crying. Even if he wanted to make room for his feelings, he couldn’t even muster that power.

Not again.

Frustrated, he snorted and wiped over his face with his cool forearm, breathing deeply in and blinking the tears away. He looked up at the ceiling as if he could see through it and find salvation in it.

Perhaps the salvation from all the suffering just came to his mind.

His head at least told him that this was salvation. It was the easiest way and Aimeric wasn’t worth it anyway to live.

Laurent was right about that at some point. He was right about everything he said to him.

He had been used by him. He never really loved him. Aimeric had only wished for it, he had wished for it so much that he imagined it and at some point believed it because it had somehow felt so beautiful. He felt wanted, once in his life.

  
But Jord also gave him this feeling and it was so perfect. Too perfect to be true, somehow.

He sighed heavy at this thought about him and their relationship, it was short but it was all he ever wanted.

And he destroyed it all by himself. He torn down everything they had with one simple move.

_Come on boy, feeling sorry for yourself isn’t the answer and doesn’t make the wounds whole. Laurent was right, he broke you on purpose if you miss the fact; he knew what he was saying. He had targeted your nerves. He wanted Jord to see who he had given his heart to and how this person was broken by their lies and betrayals._

“Jord”, Aimeric said his name quietly and suffocated with tears. He held his hand in front of his mouth and sank back to his knees. Tears ran down his cheeks and he couldn’t stop them. He sobbed and his body trembled, he huddled together in search of protection and wept bitterly.

“I’m so sorry”, he said suffocatingly: “I’m so damn sorry.” He closed his eyes and held his hands against his temples. His head hurt and his chest contracted uncomfortably.

_Jord hates you. You betrayed them all, you killed his friend. You took advantage of him. His honesty, his loyalty, he was serious about you, and you? You used him. You’re no better than him! You’re just as dirty a scum as the rest of them. You should be ashamed of yourself!_

“Shut up, I know”, Aimeric whispered quietly, then he said a bit louder: “Shut the fuck up!” He hit his temple with his right hand, hoping to silence the voice inside his head. “Shut up… Please”, he sobbed weakly, dropping his arms limply next to his body. He sank back on his heels and put his head to his neck, closed his eyes, trying to imagine comfort. Comfort he need but couldn’t get.

_Oh Aimeric. Look at you, you were such a pretty little boy with those green big eyes and chestnut brown curly hair and fine freckles around your thin straight nose._

Aimeric ran a shiver down his back; he could feel these cool long fingers on his body as they stroked his high cheekbones and played with a strand of his hair. He could see this cool yet warm smile on these narrow lips, these calculated blue eyes in the fine raised face.

_You were so willing and obedient. You always got down on your knees; I didn’t even have to say much. You were so eager to please me… Oh little boy._

Aimeric could hear the amused smile from his deep voice. He got cold and dizzy. Those weren’t the thoughts he wanted and needed. It was he who had so destroyed him. Laurent had only told the truth he didn’t want to be true. He had broken it, though. He all alone for many years.

But Aimeric became painfully aware of it only now.

“Go away”, Aimeric said quietly and then yelled louder and harder: “You are to blame for all of this! Only you! Get out of my life!”

_You sound as foolish as my nephew. You’re all the same at this age. At first you are willing and want all of the attention for you but as soon as you’re dropped, you turn the events as if the had never been for your own desire._

Aimeric fought against the pressure in himself, he got up from the floor and went over to the window in the room. He smashed the glass with his elbow, which caused a pulling pain but so successfully drove the thoughts away. The window pane shattered with a loud clang and shards fell to the ground. Aimeric looked with a dull smile at the pile of broken glass in front of him.

“What irony”, he murmured amusedly: “My life resembles exactly this heap. Once I had everything one could wish for and then a man came into it and this man managed to break this boy in such a way that this life lay in shards in front of him and he could not see any further way out of it. He was just begging for the end.”

Aimeric kneeled down to the shards and picked up a long large shard, weighing it in his hand and looking at himself in the slight reflection in it.

“If Jord could forgive me someday?” Aimeric asked himself and answered himself: “I don’t think so, I can hardly forgive myself for what I’ve done, let alone look at myself properly. I’m really disgusting.”

Aimeric sobbed desperately and pushed his tattered sleeve a little further up to his elbow.

_Finish this miserable play that scolds your life. You can only make it better and easier for everyone with this step._

_Do it._

_Now…_

His head urged him to, but his heart was beating fast, vehemently resisting the plan to end his life here and now. His heart told him not to do it – it would only hurt Jord more if he killed himself now.

Aimeric himself wasn’t comfortable with the idea but he knew that this would be the easiest and best way out of this misery.

Even if it would mean leaving Jord alone, without answering any questions from his side or a clarifying conversation between them.

But it was better this way. Jord deserves better. He deserves someone who was as true as he was.

Not someone like Aimeric…

“Bullshit”, he said: “I disappointed him; I disappointed them all, what the hell I care?” Aimeric’s voice was firm and determined which surprised him himself. He let the tip of the shard of glass float over his naked forearm. The skin was fine and pale, only a few small dark spots had formed on it from the attacks of the men back then.

Aimeric swallowed hard as he thought back and he had to admit that this punishment was better than the conversation he had with Laurent.

That wasn’t justice.

This world had torn wounds into a boy who wanted nothing more than to have a permanent place in it.  


Aimeric’s grip on the shard became stronger, he could feel the skin of his palm burst and blood drip out of these wounds. The voice in his head became louder, yelled at him, while the one in his heart tried to fight it, to bring him back to sense.

He cried out bitter. He had to make room for the inner pressure and in the same breath, he let the shard sink into the thin skin of his wrist before moving it inwards and cutting himself open.

Shocked, he sucked in the air. He dropped the shard and looked at the heavy bleeding wound on his forearm.

“Shit”, he mumbled. Tears filled his green eyes and wet his cheeks. He became dizzy and tried to get up, but he tilted forward to the floor.

Panic seized him.

He felt like his heart was roaring at him. His head cheered. Aimeric was confused. He was alone. He felt numb. His body didn’t obey properly. His head raged, his heart race and he was dying…

…

He was dying.

This realization struck him like a lightning and he sobbed desperately, trying with his last strength to draw something meaningful from his last minutes. Anything, if they would find him here…

… If…

His crying became more and more violent and his body trembled with last effort, before he felt how he became weaker and weaker and felt robbed of his strength. Aimeric’s vision blurred before his eyes and his head turned. His heart raced, the blood ran out of his cut, he had tried to stop the bleeding. His fingers were crimson red.

He instinctively regretted his cut. He felt no pain, he just felt numb but his body signaled to him that it hurt but what distracted him was the ugly pain in his chest. His heart contracted bitterly and his thought drifted to Jord before his vision blackened and his head sank heavily against the ground. His breath was unsteady and heavy.

“I’m sorry, Jord. I’m so sorry.”


	2. Sorrow and Guilt

_Sometimes in life we come to a point where we meet the person we believe will accompany us forever, and shocked by this discovery we are overwhelmed and unable, in the eagerness of our feelings, always to treat this person as he deserves to be treated._

_-Gottgleich_

“Maybe I was just meant to be alone”, Jord said bitterly to him, kicking a stone away on the way. His hands were buried in the pockets of his pants and his head was lowered.

The question of whether he had acted correctly tortured him. He had simply gone after the ordeal, but had simply had to get out of that tower as quickly as possible.

Laurent had broken Aimeric. He hadn’t given him the justice he had hoped for. No, instead he had broken the boy in front of him and Damen…Damianos… He snorted contemptuously and continued his way at a faster pace.

It was his fault.

Jord was sure of that. If he hadn’t spoken to Laurent and interrupted… Hell, if he hadn’t spoken to him about Aimeric deserving better, the situation would probably never have escalated in the way it does.

“Damn!” he exclaimed energetically and hit his fist against the wall he passed. The pain his fist went through snatched him back to reality and Jord was as if he was awakening from a trance. His eyes widened and he looked at his hand, his knuckles reddened and were scratched by the hard punch against the rough stone wall. The pain pounded in his hand. He sucked the air in sharply and shook out his hand as if he could make the feeling go away.

The cool breeze of the night wind came towards him and whirled the loose brown leaves up from the ground. An uncomfortable feeling came over him all of a sudden; he became dizzy and felt as if his heart was abandoned, only to race harder in his chest.

He couldn’t explain where this sudden change of his emotions came from but when a name shot through his mind, he knew something was terribly wrong, he could feel it and he had to act. Now.

He had to go back.

He had to go back to Aimeric.

As soon as possible.

Jord ran back into the fortress as fast as his legs could carry him, he plunged up the stairs and stopped one of the guards he knew had taken Aimeric away after Laurent was finished with him.

“Aimeric, where have you taken him?” Jord asked out of breath and his grey eyes fixed the guard with mixed emotion, impatiently waiting for an anser.

The guard looked confused at him, but explained Jord where he had to go. Jord nodded and patted him briefly on the shoulder to thank him, then sprinted past him in the direction described to him.

His thoughts turned an it became harder and harder for Jord to concentrate.

He arrived at the end of the corridor and ran towards the locked wooden door; a guard was positioned in front of it, who was more than just disinterested in doing his job well.

Jord snorted discontentedly at the sight and then knocked his fist against the massive wood of the door, pain shot through his fist by this action but Jord doesn’t care about it.

“Aimeric?” he shouted and pressed his ear against the dark wood of the door.

No answer.

Jord became more and more restless and impatient. Surely it could have been that Aimeric just didn’t want to talk to him or even see him, he could understand it somewhere under the given circumstances, it would only be logical if Jord would go his own way and Aimeric would be left to his own but somehow…

He looked over at the guard and yelled at him angrily: “Hey you! Open up, now!” The guard flinched at the sudden harsh sound of Jord, but he took out the key of his covenant, as Jord had commanded him and opened the room. The key was barely turned around in the lock when it opened with a quiet crack, when Jord already fell past him through the door just to freeze at the same moment.

Jord sucked in the air between his teeth, a dull feeling of dizziness cam over his body. His brain and eyes tried to combine and understand what image was presented to him.

That can’t be true; it must be a bad dream… No!

“Aimeric?” His voice was frighteningly quiet and brittle. He tried to fight back his tears; he didn’t want to let his feelings prevail. Not now. Not here. He could give in to them later but now… He had to be able to think clearly.

_Paschal._

“Guard, go and get Paschal, now! It’s urgent”, commanded Jord in the most rugged tone he could arrange at that moment, the guard saluted and then ran away to fetch Paschal.

Jord walked towards Aimeric lying on the floor, his right arm stretched out on the floor and was dyed in a dark deep red coming out of a cut. His left arm was pressed against his body and his fingertips were also bloody. Aimeric’s skin looked even paler than usual due to the loss of blood.

Jord’s legs gave way; they trembled too much to bear his weight. He got on his knees next to Aimeric and carefully touched the fragile narrow body in front of him.

“Aimeric”, he whispered quietly and turned him a little to himself, pulling him onto his lap. He could see Aimeric’s eyelids flapping.

By God, he lived…

“Jord?” Aimeric’s voice sounded brittle and broken.

Jord nodded in tears and stroked through Aimeric’s chestnut brown hair. “Quiet, you hear? Don’t say anything but keep your eyes open and stay with me, okay? Please.”

Aimeric didn’t respond to him, he seemed to have trouble keeping his eyes open and Jord prayed fervently that Paschal would come straight to him. He had to survive on his own until then. _Oh please, Aimeric._

“Please don’t leave me, do you hear? Stay with me”, Jord said quietly, stroking Aimeric’s cheek with his hand in a soothing way, stroking a tear with his thumb away, that had stolen itself from the corner of his eye, mumbling his words further and further in the hope that Aimeric would hear it an stay awake. For him.

Jord knew he couldn’t take it if Aimeric died. He just couldn’t do it; he cared too much about the boy for that even though he had hurt him with what he had done. Actually he should hate him for it, Aimeric had certainly thought the same thing, maybe not even hoping he would, but Jord just couldn’t do it. He couldn’t hate him. Not even for what he did.

“Jord, go away from him.” It was Paschal’s warm voice that prompted him to do so. The physician had kneeled across from him and looked at Aimeric’s wound, his facial expression was thoughtful and calm, but Jord could see in his eyes that the sight hurt him and he wondered how it could happen.

“Paschal, I beg you, do something, please”, Jord begged and Paschal nodded before he said: “Get me some water and a cloth.”

Jord nodded, he got up and took the two utensils that Paschal had requested.

Then the most unpleasant minutes in Jord’s life began. He didn’t know if and how Aimeric should get through this. What consequences would remain afterwards? If Aimeric would live? He wondered if Aimeric wanted to live at all after this…

Jord tormented these questions and inside he felt his feelings of guilt eat through him and gave him remorse. He felt like he was choking on that feeling.

The boy was completely broken.

Damn it, he tried to kill himself!

Jord went restlessly up and down the room while Paschal was treating Aimeric. Stressed Jord drove this hand through his dark hair as he looked at the floor and only now did he notice that something was written on it in blood.

_I’m sorry, Jord. I’m so sorry._

Jord put his hand in front of his mouth and closed his eyes, trying to breathe deeply and not completely lose his composure. Not now. Not here. He had to stay strong. For Aimeric.

_God… Aimeric, what else exactly happened that you thought this was the only way out of it?_

Jord doubted it was just Laurent’s monologue. He certainly had his part to play, if at once he had not even been the trigger point for this act but… Oh God.

“Jord, help me carry Aimeric out of this room”, said Paschal, tearing Jord out of his mind. He looked down at the physician who had finished wrapping a bandage over Aimeric’s arm. His eyes fell on Aimeric, who lay there peacefully and breathed calmly.

He was alive.

Thank God, he was alive...

Jord sighed in relief and nodded. He went over to him and leaned down, grabbed Aimeric carefully under his knees and armpits before lifting him up and having him as comfortable as possible on his arms then carried him out and Paschal led them to his room.

“You can put him here on the bed. It will probably take some time for him to regain consciousness, it would be good if you could stay with him, so he would at least see a friendly face when he wakes up again”, explained Paschal and took a cloth from his table to clean the blood from his pale fingers.

Jord settled Aimeric on the physician bed and carefully covered him, then took the chair that stood at a table opposite the bed and pulled it closer to the bed and sat on it.

“I will not leave his side, don’t worry”, Jord said and then looked up to Paschal: “Thank you Paschal for saving his life.”

“The thanks should apply to you, if you hadn’t found him, he would have died, there was not much left to it”, Paschal explained to him with care and put his hand on his shoulder, pressing it gently before he went back to the door: “You can stay here, I won’t tell anyone about the accident until Aimeric wakes up. Let me know if this happends.”

“Yes. I will tell you then.”

Paschal nodded and shot him a small smile, then he went through the door and dropped it behind him into it locks.

Jord was now alone. Alone with the unconscious Aimeric and his swirling thoughts. Exhausted, he let himself sink along the back of the chair and stretched out his arm to Aimeric’s cool hand, grabbing it and gently stroking his knuckles.

“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you, Aimeric. I’m so sorry”, Jord muttered quietly: “I know it’s my fault. Please don’t leave me… Please.”

He lowered his head and for the first time in many years that he had served as a soldier and seen all sorts of terrible things, he let his tears and thus his feelings run free.

For the first time in years… He couldn’t take it anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading so far and leaving Kudos!  
Let me please know what you think about it. :3


	3. The kiss of the spider lily

_Please show me the exit. I’ve been looking for it for years, but I can’t find it._

_The door that makes everything better…_

_Oh damn, where is the exit?_

_Run towards it for so long, ever step just feels so weird;_

_I just can’t reach it…_

_Puzzle ft. Das W – Emergency Exit (Notausgang – German Rap)_

_Where am I?_

_Is that the afterlife?_

_Heaven? Or even hell?_

_I blinked a few times and tried to clear my view. My eyes tried to get used to the darkness in this room. I felt that I was lying on a hard surface and looked beside me. The wooden floor of the room I did it. I let my eyes wander over it and saw a little further away from me the broken glass of the window I had smashed._

_So I was still here…_

_Is that what happens when you die as a sinner? The soul separates from the body and you are doomed to wander around this one place forever? Is that what my fate scolds?_

_I got up; I felt light and looked around. My body no longer lay on the floor and I frowned._

_That was wrong._

_I looked up and looked around. Windows and doors were gone; in front of me there was only a long dark corridor with a light at the end that came through a crack._

_Where’d I go?_

_On shaking legs I stumbled forward into the passage, followed the weak light source. I didn’t know where it would take me, but it was important to me to just get out of here. Every step I took felt strange and I had lost all feelings._

_Where am I going?_

_I stopped at some point when I noticed that the passage was getting longer and longer and the light seemed to get weaker. I didn’t quite understand what was happening here and shook my head to get my thoughts clearer but somehow it didn’t bring anything._

_“Aimeric.” The voice was cool, cut through the air like a sharp knife and I flinched at the sound. I searched the direction but my vision blurred with every turn of my head._

_What happened here? I don’t get it…_

_“Aimeric, you won’t be able to see me now, but you’ll be able to hear me.”_

_“Who are you?”_

_My voice was louder and firmer than I expected and surprised I hit my hands over my mouth. The voice let out an amused giggle._

_“I am all you hate and all you love. The shadow you call when nothing seems to work anymore. I am that which forgives each of your sins and I am your last guardian.”_

_The voice spoke in cryptic riddles I didn’t understand. I almost felt the voice speaking like Laurent… and him._

_Bitterly I swallowed the budding feeling down again and closed my eyes, I tried to concentrate only on this one voice. No more, no less._

_“Okay. So… what do you want from me?”_

_“Give you a choice. I’ll give you a new choice.”_

_I frowned and opened one eye again. My vision was still blurred and more like the faint light from the rift I could not perceive._

_“And what choice? I had already made one, otherwise I wouldn’t be here now!”_

_The voice giggled again._

_“Are you sure you really made that decision by your own? Otherwise you really wouldn’t be here.”_

_Now I opened both eyes and my heart stopped for a moment._

_“I don’t understand?”_

_“But you do understand Aimeric. You chose to take your own life. But did you really decide it?”_

_Then the realization hit me._

_I had decided, yes. Halfway at least, but there was this little spark… This little beating spark in my chest, which wished to have decided differently. The first time I would have had a choice about what to decide and again I had made the wrong decision._

_“You recognized it. I almost thought so. I’m asking you one question…”_

_  
The voice paused and I waited in silence._

_“Have you really made up your mind? Is that how you want it to end? Is this how you want to let it end? Unspoken? Regardless of losses?”_

_No… I don’t want it to end like this. Oh damn, what had I done? I never wanted it to come to this. I had to talk to him; I can’t leave him like this. Without an explanation, without a chance at reconciliation.. A chance for a new start._

_I raised my hands in front of my face and hid it behind them. I felt so awful and weak. I cried out, trembled to my knees and cried again, even though I lacked the strength for it._

_The voice was silent. I felt watched. And then there was something else. A burning pain in my forearm. I took my hand off my face and stretched out my arm forward, looking at it. It was the arm I cut myself. The cut bled after and I watched a certain flower grow out of the cut._

_A red spider lily._

_My eyes widened. This can’t be happening. No… Jord had told me the meaning of the flower. I swallowed and looked straight ahead. My vision was clear and I could see the figure in front of me that showed itself to me._

_“Now do you see what I’m getting at?”_

_“You are the angel of death.” I narrowed my eyes. The figure in front of me smiled and bowed sluggishly. “And what’s your decision?”_

_I kept silent and looked back at the spider lily in my arm. It was a bizarrely beautiful picture that came to me. But I had made up my mind._

_“Yes. I…” I swallowed heavy. These words cost so much strength: “I want to live. I want to live!”_

_“So be it.”_

“Please let me live!” Aimeric cried out and sat up in panic, just to be pressed back into the mattress by two strong hands a few moments later.

Aimeric’s breath was heavy and he searched his surroundings with his eyes. He didn’t know this room, where was he? Had the Angel of Death lied to him? Was he dead and trapped in a world in between? Was he kissed by the spider lily?

Aimeric was in tears when he heard a well-known voice saying next to him: “No Aimeric, you have to lie down.”

  
He turned his head to the side and looked into the grey familiar eyes of Jord. He looked tired, deep shadows had formed under his eyes and his wrinkles between his eyebrows had become even deeper.

“Jord?” His voice was no longer as strong as in his head; much more his voice was brittle and quiet. He was almost worried that Jord hadn’t heard him but his soft smile, which brightened his face, showed him that he must have heard him.

“Yes. I am here and you are alive, that is the most important thing”, Jord replied and let go of his shoulders; he sat back down in the chair next to his bed.

Aiemric breathed deeply, his lungs burned and his chest hurt.

So the angel of death hadn’t lied and however much he wanted to live… Jord’s presence made him feel bad and he almost regretted his decision again.

He had hurt Jord. He had taken his friend from him. He had taken himself as his lover from him with his betrayal. Jord had good reason to hate him and yet… He was here, with him and even smiled at him when he saw that he was awake.

Aimeric couldn’t even look at himself, how could Jord? It would make him sick to see him. Hell, Jord was supposed to hate him for what he had done and Aimeric had hoped he would. He was hoping Jord would go on without him. Left him to his own behind him.

And yet… He’s here with him.

“Aimeric, you should drink”, Jord said gently and offered him a glass of water. Aimeric sat up carefully and accepted the glass. He mumbled a quiet “Thanks” and then took a sip of the water. His throat was dry and hurt while swallowing the cool liquid, but he had to keep drinking. His body demanded more and so it didn’t take long until the whole glass was emptied. Jord took it from him and put it back on the table.

“What happened?” Aimeric asked carefully.

It was stupid to ask, he knew what had happened but he wanted to know what had happened afterwards. Why was he here? How could he still be alive?

He didn’t really dare to look at Jord while he answered but he had to look at him to make sure it wasn’t an illusion. Jord’s mimic became gloomy and he looked at him sadly before declaring: “You were lying on the floor in your room. You cut your wrist and almost bled to death. I found you and Paschal took care of you. We brought you here and I waited here until you woke up.”

Aimeric turned his eyes away from Jord and nodded slowly. He understood the situation but he didn’t understand Jord’s motives. He could have left him lying there and bleeding out like he deserved it. How did he even know where his new room was?

“I’m… I’m sorry Aimeric”, Jord said quietly, lowering his gaze and Aimeric turned his head back to Jord in surprise and shot him a look in horror: “What are you sorry for? Jord… You’ve done nothing wrong!”

“I left you alone.”

“You had good reason to leave me alone. I wonder why you saved me anyway. I’m a burden, a disgrace to all of you. I’m … not worth saving.”

Aimeric hadn’t really noticed his voice trembling and tears running down his cheeks. His voice was filled with a heavy sobbing. He didn’t dare look at Jord. He was so ashamed. He felt so bad.

“What are you talking about, Aimeric? You know the answers to these questions; you know why I made that decision.” Jord’s voice became firmer with every word and he could hear anger in it, which Aimeric could understand only too well.

“You didn’t have to. You gave me a chance and I used it to stab you in your back”, Aimeric shouted in a mixture of anger and despair. He wished he’d just ended it after all. He didn’t want to be here and see Jord blame himself for Aimeric’s weakness. Jord deserved better.

“Aimeric. Please… Don’t say that.”

“Stop. Please, please stop. Don’t pretend you care. Nobody ever cared about me, so why you?”

“You know very well why.”

Aimeric knew it. Yeah, he knew it too well. Jord had told it himself but… How could he still feel like that after everything he found out? How could this man look at him? How could this man care? How’s that possible?

Aimeric didn’t understand and he let out a frustrated snort. His crying became more and more violent and his body trembled. He felt cold and alone even though he wasn’t.

“Aimeric… I’ll take care of you. You matter to me, you mean something to me.”

Aimeric wished Jord would just be quiet. He wished Jord would yell at him and leave the room so that Aimeric could decide otherwise.

He wanted it so badly but when he felt Jord’s hand on his, he knew this wouldn’t be the chase and he had to face him.

“I’m begging you, please don’t do this to me again.”


	4. Memories and promises

_And no matter what you say, this boy stays stubborn._

_Because he hears what you’re doing around him all the time._

_Yeah, he knows how it goes, and he knows what you’re like;_

_Because for every mistake you make, you tear him to pieces._

_It doesn’t matter what he does, because he stays alone._

_We’re lonely together, let’s be lonely together._

** _Puzzle, Zweisam (Together)_ **

_Please let me live!_

This sentence still reverberated in Jord’s head and he frowned anxiously. This sentence thus contradicted Aimeric’s current statement.

He just had to look at it and might see how much Aimeric wanted to be away from here. He didn’t want to be here. He couldn’t even look at Jord for long.

And if Jord would be honest with himself; He could understand Aimeric. He couldn’t even blame him.

“I’m begging you, please don’t do this to me again”, Jord said quietly begging. His hand was still on Aimeric’s, stroking over his cool back of the hand.

“Your knuckles… What happened?” Aimeric asked instead. Jord didn’t know if Aimeric sounded worried or if it was his lack of energy to give meaning to his words.

Jord smiled weakly and said: “I only hit a wall. It looks worse than it is.”

Aimeric nodded understandingly and averted the look of Jord. Jord sighed softly and breathed out heavily. It hurt that Aimeric couldn’t look at him. He knew that Aimeric had no personal grudge against him but still… Jord wanted to look into the green eyes, but he knew that Aimeric wouldn’t let him and Jord would accept that if he wanted Aimeric to trust him.

“Why are you still here?”

This question hit Jord like an arrow right in his heart.

Couldn’t he think of the simple answer to this question himself?

Tsk. It was obvious why he was still there with him and hadn’t left him.

_Because I love you._

“Aimeric”, Jord said sharply instead and continued straight away: “You know why. I care for you, even if you don’t want to believe me. I can’t just drop you even after what you have done. And you are right when you say I should leave you, because…” He paused and looked at him: “I am angry, yes. Because you waste your live, you choose wrong – But what other choice you had? I bet, if you would knew it better, you wouldn’t decide like this back then! That’s not you Aimeric, you are no traitor. I know this.”

He breathed deeply in after his monologue and he could feel how Aimeric pulled his hand away from under his own. He could see how broken Aimeric was and that was okay, after everything what had happened, it was his god damn good right to feel broken.

Aimeric said nothing to him and maybe it was better this way. Jord didn’t know what was better right now. He regret his words right away they left his lips.

Aimeric instead held his arm in front of him and looked at his bandage, which was wrapped around his forearm.

Jord’s heart beats in slight panic. He hoped he wasn’t going to do something stupid.

And he didn’t.

He just watched his arm.

Jord followed Aimeric’s gaze to the bandage. The wound had bled heavily and the blood had dried dark in the bandage.

The solider’s grey eyes widened. The blood stain on the bandage has the shape of a spider lily.

_“This flower looks really beautiful”, said Aimeric, pointing to a bright red flower whose leaves had already withered._

_“A spider lily”, I replied and then: “The flowers are beautiful and somehow tragic in the meaning.”_

_Aimeric looked at me with interest in his green bright eyes and I smiled softly._

_“They have the nickname ‘flower of the other shore’ by which the realm of the dead is meant. Legend has it that when a human dies and crosses the river of the dead, he loses all his memories. On the shore, however, these flowers grow and the scent of the flowers brings all the beautiful memories back to the deceased one last time.”_

_Aimeric’s eyes became sad and he lowered his gaze back to the flower. Longingly he looked at the crimson red flower and muttered: “You are right. The flower is beautiful with a tragic history. Like humans.”_

_I followed Aimeric’s gaze and nodded approvingly, stretched out my arm to him and reached for his hand. I crossed our fingers together and pulled him closer to my body, put my other hand in his neck. Aimeric raised his head slightly and looked at me._

_His green eyes had a mixed expression which was difficult for me to read. I leaned forward and kissed him carefully on the lips, didn’t know exactly if he wanted it now; but Aimeric tenderly replied to the kiss._

_It was like the kiss of a spider lily. Beautiful memories that came back to my mind._

Jord looked at Aimeric, in his eyes lay an expression of relaxation and with his fingers he carefully drove over the bloody form on his bandage.

“I remember when you told me what this flower meant back then”, Aimeric murmured more to himself than to Jord directly.

Jord smiled: “I just had to think about that too.”

Aimeric laughed quietly and lowered his arms again, and then he looked at Jord: “You know… you are right with everything you said before and when I was alone in that room and knew I was going to die, my last wish was to start from new. I wanted to make another decision, I wanted to see you again and tell you how sorry I am that I… that.” He broke off with a shattered sigh.

“Aimeric, don’t. It’s all right”, Jord said soothingly, stroking his arm. Aimeric cried.

“Can you… Can you be with me?” Aimeric asked him fragilely and pulling on Jord’s Arm. Jord nodded and he sat down on the edge of the bed to Aimeric, who pulled him closer and meant to him to lie next to him.

Jord smiled and lay down with him. He put one arm around Aimerics belly and pulled the younger one a little closer to him, who gave himself to the embrace.

“That’s what I needed”, Aimeric mumbled quietly and buried his face in Jord’s crook of his neck.

“When it’s all over, we’ll take a break from this and start from new, I promise”, Jord said soothingly, stroking his hand over Aimeric’s side.

“That would… be nice I guess.”

Jord didn’t know how much time had passed and he didn’t care that much. Lying here with Aimeric and knowing the younger one breathing calmly in his arms was the only thing Jord wanted right now.

But unfortunately their togetherness should not last too long.

The door opened and Paschal looked in. Jord had totally forgotten to let him know that Aimeric was awake.

“I see you’ve woken up Aimeric”, Paschal said warmly and looked caringly to the boy and Jord in the bed: “I hope I’m not disturbing you too much?”

“No Paschal, everything’s fine”, Jord said and sat up slightly, which made Aimeric a little disgruntled.

“Good. I have a message to deliver from Laurent”, Paschal began and Jord looked attentively over to the physician.

“He intends to leave tomorrow for Ios, awaiting you at the stable at sunrise.”

“I’ll be there.”

Paschal nodded and then turned to Aimeric: “And you, my boy, you will have to stay in bed a little longer. I still don’t know how we’re going to proceed with you. Shall we tell Laurent?”

Jord’s heart automatically felt heavy. They couldn’t let Laurent know. Not yet.

“No…” Jord said faster than he could think about it: “We’ll… wait. Until it’s all over and the situation’s relaxed.”

“I can understand it. It will be done that way, then”, Paschal agreed.

“What does Laurent know?” Aimeric asked quietly.

“The guard who was stationed outside your room just told Laurent that you tried to take your life. He probably assumes that you succeeded”, explained Paschal.

Jord swallowed. It sounded harder, than he expected.

“I see.” Aimeric lowered his head and buried his fingers in the thin blanket, his knuckles protrduding white.

“I’ll leave you two again”, said Paschal: “I’ll check on you later.”

“Thank you Paschal”, Jord said and the physician left the room.

Aimeric let go of the thin blanket, his shoulder sank and he held his gaze stubbornly down. Jord looked at him worryingly and gently put a hand on his narrow shoulder before asking: “Aimeric? What’s the matter?”

Aimeric remained silent and Jord gave him the time he would need to regain his strength. He could imagine what was going on inside of him. His thoughts must be like a hurricane, whirling around in his brain.

“Jord. Don’t leave me. Please, I’m begging you, you can’t leave me here alone”, it gushed out of Aimeric and Jord looked at him perplexed, he blinked confused and understood only now what Aimeric meant.

Yes. If he went to Ios with Laurent tomorrow, he wouldn’t be there for Aimeric a certain time.

But he had to go with Laurent.

He was loyal to his prince. It was his duty to follow him.

And he wanted the regent to receive his punishment for what he had done.

“I’ve got to go Aimeric. Believe me, I don’t want to leave you alone but I have to go with him”, Jord replied, trying to sound as calm as possible. It was hard for him.

“Don’t say that! Please… I don’t know what I do when I’m alone with my thoughts. I am afraid of it”, Aimeric sobbed heartbreakingly and only now the penny fell. Jord’s eyes widened in fear and he embraced Aimeric’s hand with his.

“Promise me that you will be strong. I know you can be strong, promise me. Promise me, that you don’t do something stupid, you hear me?” Jord said forcefully and then: “And I promise you that I will come back to you as soon as possible and then we’ll start over. I swear to God, that we can do this.”

Aimeric’s crying got worse and worse and Jord didn’t know what to do. He could see what a great fear he felt of being alone and it hurt Jord in his heart to see him like that.

“Aimeric, listen to me. Promise me this, will you? I’ll be back with you as soon as I can”, Jord assured him and gave him a kiss on the lips. He acted out of reflex, but Aimeric accepted it. He put his arms around Jord’s neck and clung to him as if he were a drowning man trying to stay afloat.

The kiss was sad and desperate. Jord could feel the tears of Aimeric on his lips and how they made the kiss saltier and wetter.

“What if you… What If you don’t come back? What if something happens to you?” Aimeric whispered against his lips and Jord understood what his real concern was. He was afraid Jord wouldn’t make it back to him and leave him alone, like before.

“Nothing’s gonna happen to me. I’m staying alive for you, I promise this to you with all my heart. Just wait for me, please.”


	5. Help me, please

_If I leave, how do I know I’ll be standing in front of you soon again?_

_Then how do I know if you understand me?_

_It’s the time that beats so mercilessly, it’s the truth that turns around._

** _ScarP ft. Puzzle, Truth_ **

Days?

Weeks?

Or maybe months?

Aimeric had lost all feeling for time. He didn’t know how long it had been since Jord had left with Damen, Laurent and his entourage.

He only knew that he was getting worse every day and that being alone permanently doesn’t make it better for him.

The whole waiting for Jords back travelling was eating him from the inside.

He was just so done with this.

It beats him down to the ground and he could feel how he broke slowly into pieces each day.

He was afraid that his fears would come true and Jord would not return to him.

Then what? What was he supposed to do if Jord didn’t make it back to him?

Then he was alone again. On his own with his thoughts and a broken heart and soul.

Aimeric closed his eyes and breathed deeply. These thoughts weren’t new, they were his constant companions and yet they chased a shiver down his spine that he didn’t want.

It was a horrible feeling that spread through him as soon as those thoughts came up again.

But if it were only that but these thoughts were rarely alone.

They always came along with the thought of taking his life again and that really got him down.

It’s not like he doesn’t want to.

Heaven, how much did he long to close his eyes and find peace? He longed so much for it but Jord held him here, like an anchor he held him at the edge of the ocean and didn’t let the tide carry him away until he sank into the deep cold waters of the ocean.

He fought back the tears.

He was just so unspeakably weak in time, it was almost ridiculous.

Sure Jord wanted to hold on to this one? Had he thought about that on the trip to Akielos and decided against Aimeric? Is that why he didn’t hear from him for so long now? Or had he already met someone new and forgotten him?

Aimeric let out a dry laugh.

He wouldn’t even go mad about that at Jord, he would even grant it to him, because Jord deserved it. Jord deserved to have carefree happy life… a life without Aimeric. He couldn’t be part of it in his condition; he didn’t want to be part of Jord’s life when he was in this state.

It made him sick, it him sad and so angry at himself.

Out of reflex Aimeric had grasped his wrist and squeezed it as he felt a pulling pain that brought him back to reality and away from his dark thoughts that seemed to dissolve like black mist.

He blinked confused and looked around. He was still in the room. He recalled what his daily-routine was like, so he could make sure, he was still here. He looked at a full plate with food on the small table at the door. Paschal brought him food three times a day and freshed up his drinks and clothes. He even tried to be so nice to Aimeric and kept him company a little longer from time to time, but Aimeric just felt so terrible in the presence of other people who are so nice to him, that he can’t always be nice and quickly rejects them.

And he almost hated himself a little for that. Damn it, Paschal tries to be nice to him, so Aimeric doesn’t feel bad anymore but his head doesn’t want to accept that.

It was like an endless vicious circle from which he never seemed to escape.

Fuck.

Aimeric supported himself with his hand on the windowsill and looked stubbornly at it. His body was shaking; he didn’t even know why his body reacted that way. It wasn’t cold in here, nor was his muscles tense – So why did he tremble like that?

_Aimeric… Aimeric… Aimeric. Give it up. There’s nothing here to keep you, trust me, they all dropped you, branded you a traitor. They never took you seriously, not even your own parents. I was the only person I ever considered you special. You know, Aimeric, you’ve always been mine and you always will be. You’ll only disappoint Jord again; you’ll never live up to him. Never, because your thoughts are still pondering._

Aimeric hit the windowsill with his flat hand. A short quick pain pulled through his arm and took him out of his thoughts. He shuddered; he felt as if someone had put a hand on his shoulder and pressed it slightly. This touch didn’t please Aimeric at all. He knew what _he_ felt like. He knew how _he_ touches him. He knew what _his_ presence was like.

He swallowed hard.

_Don’t fight it Aimeric, you know it’s pointless. You know it._

“Shut up”, Aimeric hissed: “Shut up! There’s nothing more you can do to me. Never again. Your damage on me is done! Just leave me alone.”

_Hah! You would like that, but the truth is different. I can and will always be with you. I’m a part of you. I’m part of your life, of your being. I’ve been taking your thoughts so well all this time and you know it. I am with you forever; I’m a shadow of yourself, for without me you cannot act. You’re weak and useless but I made you really strong. You should thank me for this._

“That’s not true! Don’t turn the truth around, you’re lying. You’ve always lied to me!”

_Says who? Says my nephew? He’s as foolish as you are, with the difference that you were easier to control. He, on the other hand, withdrew and shut out the world because he broke so easily until this barbarian Akielon came under his control. But you, you even have to fool Jord, you did exactly what I had imagined you would be useful for. I knew you wouldn’t be weak._

Aimeric closed his eyes; tears came out of his eyes and ran down his cheeks. It was a silent cry. He put his hand around his wrist again and squeezed, he dug his thumb deeper into the bandage as he perceived a dull feeling under his pressure and then there was something warm.

Damn it. Damn it… No!

Aimeric opened his eyes and looked at his forearm, through the bandage he could make out a red spot which became darker and darker. He managed to open the wound… He… Oh God, please no.

_I knew you’d go back to your actual plan. Put the bandage down, and if you’re lucky, you’ll bleed to death before anyone can find you here. Maybe God will have mercy on your soul now._

The cool crushing presence around Aimeric was gone and he felt like he had all his feelings back. His forearm hurt, his heart hammered against his chest in panic, which had contracted painfully and his head hurt from his temples into his neck.

“What have I done? Why am I so weak?” Aimeric muttered to himself, looking at his bandage. Trembling he put his hand on it and loosened the knot, he unwound it and let it slide to the ground. The old scarred wound now had the freedom to bleed even more; he felt a slight throbbing against his thin pale skin.

Not long, then maybe he could finally find the emergency exit. The emergency exit he had been looking for so long now.

_I have to tell Paschal. I need to let him know that, what if Jord comes back and I’m not here? What if he… I don’t know what he’d do; I don’t know what I’d do. I can’t leave it like this, I can’t. What if I…_

Aimeric fought his consciousness back from his trance and he tried to set himself in motion. It was difficult for him at first, but he managed it, he had turned away from the windowsill, lowered his head in humility and looked at his forearm, on wobbly legs he stepped towards the door and grabbed the door handle as it opened all of a sudden and the door almost approached him.

“Jord.”

“Aimeric?”

Aimeric didn’t know how to react, he was too overwhelmed. He had not counted on Jord coming back now, he had not counted on Jord coming back to him.

“Aimeric, what’s going on?”

Aimeric let out a choked sound as he put his hand over his mouth and began to cry bitterly. He didn’t know whether it was joy, shame or fear.

“Jord… You really are, you’re here, you came back!” _To me._

“Of course. I promised you, just like you promised me something and…” Jord stopped himself looking at Aimeric’s bleeding arm. “Aimeric?”

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to, really, the wound… It’s” he staggered forward, slowly it was difficult for him to keep on his feet and his vision flickered black again and again.

He felt Jord lead him carefully in the direction of the bed, he pressed him gently down on the mattress at his shoulders and said: “I’ll be right back. I’ll go get Paschal, he hast to look at your wound.”

Aimeric said nothing about it, he just stayed seated and pressed a piece of cloth Jord had given him onto the wound. His hand trembled and he became hot and cold at the same time.

He felt absolutely not good and he didn’t know where this feeling came from and what this extreme reaction was about.

“Aimeric, look at me or Jord but keep your eyes open”, Aimeric heard Paschal say and he nodded weakly, his gaze was unfocused and he only saw blurred. Paschal seemed to be doing something to his forearm, he didn’t know exactly what it was and he couldn’t even feel any pain. He felt numb and that worried him a little bit.

But Jord was here. He was with him.

Aimeric’s lips turned to a light smile.

He felt his heart warm at the thought.

“So we’re done. Jord please keep an eye on him if you notice anything, please let me know directly”, Paschal explained to him and then went out of the room.

Jord had nodded at Paschal and his gaze now rested on Aimeric, who felt more and more uncomfortable under the gaze. He didn’t dare to look up, he knew exactly what to expect.

Anger. Hate. Grief. Disappointment. Despair.

“Aimeric”, he heard Jord say, and saw out of the corner of his eye that he was sitting on the chair in front of him and was getting close to him. Carefully he reached forward and stopped just before Aimeric’s hands. Aimeric finally looked up and looked into the questioning grey eyes of Jord. He nodded briefly and Jord took his hand in his own. Jord’s hand felt war on his own. He looked down at their hands and noticed some small healed cuts, light scars from old wounds and smaller fresh wounds.

“I don’t know how hard all this is for you and how you feel, I can’t comprehend it because I don’t know how you think and feel and what you’ve been through”, Jord started carefully and stroked his thumb over the knuckles of Aimeric’s pale fine hand.

“But I can offer you my help. I would like to help you. I can’t watch you suffer any longer and you try to throw your life away. I want to be with you, I want you to stay with me and that we can do this together.”

Does Jord really want that?

There’s never been a person who cared so much about Aimeric before.

He didn’t know how to handle this.

“What happened to the regent?” Aimeric asked, he couldn’t answer Jord yet; he first had to make sure what happened to the regent.

“He will receive his punishment. Damen… Damianos and Laurent make sure that he doesn’t harm anyone anymore”, Jord explained briefly and Aimeric felt that something more must have happened in Akielos, but he didn’t go on hooking for it, so he just took the brief answer.

Silence lay over the two men and Aimeric needed that, because he had to order his thoughts, he thought about what to say next. Jord was willing to help him. He wanted Jord’s help. He wanted to be alive and stay with him but he knew that he alone wouldn’t get out of this vicious circle.

So Aimeric opted for the strongest sentence one person could say to another person in a situation like this: “I need your help, Jord. Help me, please.”


End file.
